Diary of a spoiled runaway princess.

It’s really early in the morning, just past midnite. I can’t sleep. I don’t know why. Though I feel so tired but I can’t seem to close my eyes and fly to my sweet dream. Damn it! those stupid german computer in the office really got me all fucked up with normal computer! It took me many stupid distractions just to write all this shit! I got the y and z all mixed up! And also the ‘ sign. Ah…. Shit. I swear a lot lately. I dunno why. I just got used to swearing. Sometimes it feels good to release all the anger in you but it doesn’t bring good effects on me. either way, I just can’t seem to stop it… well, that’s not the problem now..

I feel so tired lately. I’m tired of working in that office. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy working there. It’s just the hour and the tasks and the money that doesn’t suit me. I work almost 9 to 10 hours every fucking day, my job desk is not clear up to now ( I’ve been working for almost 3 months now) and I seem like doing everything. I am more like a slave to them than an employee. I can’t even afford my life with my wage now (with that money, I’m not having salary, it’s a wage!). I’m not satisfied with my job. Gotta find something new… I intend to find a new job.

Anyway.. I just feel like pouring all my heart out tonite. It’s really a rare occasion for me to just sit here, alone, at my goodfriend’s place, in front of my darling laptop and just type. Type everything that I want. I don’t give a shit if my English sucks. Hey, I’m not a god damn American or British who speaks English from the time they were born. So hell with it. God, I have so much anger in me. I wonder why….

Anyway… I watched 2 movies tonight. “Miss Potter” and “Two for the money”. Both of ‘em are good. At least it was good enough for me right now. Watching those movies made me think about what I’m looking for in this life.. as I feel quite empty now. It happens a lot lately, especially at night time, when I was about to sleep, sober, and got nothing to worry about (beside getting up early in the morning to go to that fucking office).. I need a companion. I need a sense of belonging. I need someone to always be there for me, to stay on my side and never love. I need someone who loves me for who I am. I need someone who cherishes me, who doesn’t take me for granted. I need all that. I am not complaining about my life right now. I got everything just fine. I have a lot of fun with my friends right now. I have a job. I have my own place. I’m practically single and happy. But there is a void inside. I can’t deny it. I need someone to love, to miss, to hug, to kiss.. What am I looking for in this life? What are you looking for, mella? Why do I always make things seem more complicated than they actually are? What a typical Gemini. I tend to push every aspect in my life. If I want something, I have to have it at that second. It is so me. Spoiled little princess. But I’m not a princess! I am just an ordinary girl, like every other girl. I never know how to be patient, how to earn something, how to work to get something. I never know that. Now that I learn that I have to do all that to get what I want, it turns out to be very very very very hard. It’s so hard that I almost give up. Almost. Thank God I’m still surviving till this very second. I’m still fighting now.. fighting to be patient. Learning to wait for everything to come at its time. It’s very hard and it’s killing me, but something I just learned taught me that it probably better to be killed by something or someone else than to commit suicide.. at least, when I’m finally die, I die trying… to survive. Don’t get confused with all that I’ve wrote down. I didn’t write it for you. I don’t need you to understand. I love you though.. Have a good nite sleep everyone… Sweet dreams..

originally written on: April 22, 2007